I've been thinking the whole time I've been at work, about what I posted earlier today. How could I have let myself slip like that? How could I put my heart in jeopardy like that? Like I don't know any better? Hell, I've truthfully gotta put a stop to this. I like Charlie.. maybe a little more than I should. I like him despite the many females chasing him (that he may or may not be chasing as well), I like him despite the fact that we don't spend time together, I like him despite the fact that it's a strong possiblity that he'll break my fucking heart. How stupid does that sound? I know i'm smarter than this. I just need to get back on the ball and stay away from these dudes. Half of them full of shit, the other half ain't shit.
Today I realized how long i've been ignoring the important issues in my life. When things hurt me, it just seems like the best idea to ignore than. I try to fill that void in my life and I disappoint myself everytime it doesnt work. I can't forgive because it isn't over yet. I wish it was. And I wish I had it in my heart to do what needs to be done. But right now I don't have the strength. Oh Lord tonight is gonna be one of those nights. I hate these nights. These sad nights where my heart takes over my mind and pours its pain onto my shoulders.
It crawls around my skin like ants.. like I just can't get away from the pain of my past and present. Like running down a road that never ends, with asthma lol. I don't want my sadness to overcome me. I'm not a sad person. I'm a happy person.. i'm always smiling... I think it's secret time. Time to reveal another one of those life secrets. I guess it's not really a secret since i've told people.. it's just something that not many people know about me.
People look at me and assume so many things, just off of my appearance and where i'm from. Like I must be rich and know famous people because i'm from California. I must be spoiled as all hell because i'm beautiful. What the fuck? Yeah I have an individual personality but shit i'm just like everybody else. I have problems, I struggle, and I hurt.
Okay, time for the 'secret'. When I was younger I had my innocence taken from me. And not just once. But for a period of a little over 6 years. And I have been through so much, just to get where I am today and love myself as much as I do. I'm so proud of me because after all I've been through i'm strong enough to still be standing here. I'm in so much pain, but i'm still here and i'm still smiling. I promise to never let anyone take away my smile. I will never let anyone take advantage of me, ever again. Feeling below someone, like your worth nothing, is an unexplainable feeling. I will never get to that point in my life again. I love ME. I'm beautiful and NO ONE can ever tell me different. I could give a damn what a bitch think & how a ho feel! I'm ME. And there is nothing better.
Tomorrows To Do List:
- Nursing Training
- Ryann's House ( DONT FORGET THAT DAMN MOVIE AGAIN)
- Home Around 3:30 - Call About Laptop (Won't Burn CDs)
- Call Cingular for mommys phone
- Call And Make Court Appointment For My Ticket.
- Work at 6.
I'f i'm sad today, I know i'm going to be stressed tomorrow. Expect a long post tomorrow. Goodnight.