Well, today I was gonna grace my readers with a picture of ME, but I figured I only have about 3 readers they know what I look like so hey, why waste the time? well... lets run down my day. This morning when I woke up I called FCCJ & talked about getting registered for classes & what not. So i'm up & rolling with that finally. I think it took me so long because I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid that my failures and not doing well in school would somehow bite me in my ass & hold me back. & I woulnd't have anybody to blame but me. But i've learned that I can't carry other peoples problems on my shoulders. My mother is a grown ass woman & it's time for her to start taking care of herself. I should have never went through that with her. Lol Secret Time!!!
I did well in school upto my first semester in my 11th grade year. Around the time it came for Christmas break to come around, I came home from school one day, and went to my mothers room. I usually let her know i'm home when I get there. And I heard her crying in her bathroom. So of course, me being nosey, I just tiptoed to the door & listened to her & whomever she was crying on the phone to. She was talking to our doctor, telling him how depressed she is, & how sometime's she feels like she wanted to kill herself and all this crazy bullshit
When I tell you my heart dropped. I didn't know what to do. It felt like... I don't know. I just couldn't believe what i'd heard. I couldn't look at her the same.. but then again I couldn't stay away from her because I was scared of what might happen. So I let all her responsibilities fall on me. I dropped her off at all of her doctors appointments, made sure the little ones ate, helped with homework, let mines pile up, & went to work. I gave my ma whatever little money I was makin cause she took off from work. I started skipping school so I could be home with her, & make sure she didn't do anything to herself. I started failing in school. I didnt go out. Then she started getting on medicine. All diff. types of medicine. Sleeping pills, depression pills, bipolar pills, painkillers, it was just crazy. I stopped sleeping as much as I needed to so the times that I had no choice but to go to school I was sleep in class. I went from Straight A's, To A's n B's, To F's n shit. Then I just stopped caring about all that shit. I used to make ANY excuse to get out the house. Looking for love because I thought that's all I needed to make me feel better. I looked for love in sex, in the wrong people, the wrong places. I just wasn't myself. I was gonna leave & go back to California. I went in to quit my job, which they wouldn't let me do. They argued with me about quitting until I just broke down & cried. I don't cry in front of other people often. Usually when i'm crying i'm by myself.
But if I ain't say it then.. I'd like to thank my favorite teacher Mrs. Pamela Zutell. I wanna thank her for everything. For seeing through my attitude & my absenses & knowing that everything wasn't okay. I wanna thank her for understanding and offering me a way out. I wanna thank her for teaching me that i'm ME, not Me,Her,Him, & everyone else. I can help people in other ways. Not dealing with their problems for them. I also wanna thank Mrs. Tammy Newsom. For being my second mother. At work you were more than just a manager, even with 8 other kids, you treated me like one of your own. Thank you for buying me food because I gave my mother everything. Thank you for not looking down on me for the mistakes I made. For letting me make my own decisions but giving me your 'opinion'. I love you Tammy! And I wish I could find you, since you just up & quit and haven't called me!
Damn.. that was a long ass secret lol. Anyways i'm glad thats over. I'm done taking care of people. I need to take care of me. Me calling FCCJ was my first step to growing up. And no matter what it takes nothing is going to stop me from moving forward.
Anyways!! Today I went to the mall. & Johnny was there. Lol that lil nigga has some big ass teeth yo. forreal. Man he reminds me how mature I am. He's a cool person, but he's still a middle school kid. Well he acts like one. Don't let me mention his slow ass friend!!! Just ugh. I just hung up on Johnny stupid ass. He always wants to play.. even when i'm not in the mood.
Tomorrow is gonna be a good day. I'm going to FCCJ & my school to get some more things established. Wish me luck!! I hope I get on track on time. Goodnight & right now I feel SOOO much better. Other then these damn CRAMPS!