Love enjoys playing at my front door. Just when I think, maybe it might be what i'm looking for, they're always something holding my heart back. A reason why loving this person is wrong. The streets kill me with these rules.. these damn codes. & if I didn't grow up by them I damn sure wouldn't be following them rightn now. It isn't just the 'rule of the streets' either. For the most part, & don't laugh, i'm a lady. Lol... yeah I have a foul mouth, & i'd rather kick it in sweats then a dress. But I have morals, and ughhh. Don't even wanna talk about it.
Well JE was over here tonight. yesterday, or since its about 3 somethiing in the morning... the day before last was his birthday. I felt so bad because I forgot his birthday was even coming up. But we just chilled in front of the house. & you know we both goofy as hell so we just sat there talking & being stupid & enjoying eachothers company. All didn't end well though. I know that JE is interested in me. But I also know that dudes are full of shit... & low & behold... so is he. He let me look through his phone. I'm not going to snatch your phone & just look through it. I'm going to ask first, or make sure you see that i'm going through it. Well of course after I finished looking through his pictures, [plenty of ex-girlfriends pictures by the way] I went through his txts... & I learned he tells me all the same things he does other girls. It wasn't a surprise. I think that about every dude. I think it just kinda was a smack in the face to actually SEE it. Well... I didnt get out of character or yell at him or anything. I was kind of sad though. I just told him bye & left. Another wwwwwwwwaaaaasssstttttttttteeeeeee of my time.
I wanna love someone with no inhibitions. No hang ups, no drawbacks, no drama. And I want to be loved the same way. I wanna cuddle & giggle & blush & cry & all that stuff. I wanna share my deepest thoughts, not just my deepest secrets. I wanna share my hopes & dreams & I want us to be forever. I guess thats all just fantasy stuff. I've only known it to exist in books. I'm gonna write a story one day. But I wont publish it. I just wanna write one.. for me.
Usually i'm a million & one emotions. But lately i've just been sad. like my heart has just been so sad. Not like depressed. Just so sad & lonely. Everything that used to make me happy is now the source of all my pain. I think i'm going to pray... yes in my blog! lol I would tell you to bow your head, but your reading. Nah, i'd rather do it sitting in my bed where only the lord can hear my real personal thoughts.
I dont even feel like typing anymore... maybe tomorrow... Goodnight.