Serenity - the state or quality of being serene, calm, or tranquil; sereneness.
Serenity is such a beautiful word. I mean, even before I knew the meaning of the word I liked it. I remember this blanket my grandma used to have. My favorite one. It had the serenity prayer on it. When I was little I use to say it all the time. I used to lay it out and lay on top of it and pray. I thought that my prayers had a better chance of being heard and acted upon if I was on something Holy. Lol. I used to pray that my situation would change & that God would help me before it was too late. And all that praying... all those years... God didn't help me. He still hasn't helped me. I had to help myself. And still my past torments me. I think thats why I wanna get away so bad. Live in my own place. Because he cant hurt me there. And he can't control me there. None-the-less... The Serenity Prayer is still a personal favorite of mines
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful worldas it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things rightif I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
Isn't it simple, yet beautiful? You can draw so many different meanings from it. One to fit anything your going through. Right now i'm feeling so much animosity. Towards everyone. I'm just stressed. I know why, but then again I don't know why. Just so confused inside you know? You probably don't. I'm just more angry then usual. Maybe it'll pass.
Charlie, matter fact anyone who I converse with thats READING this, I type this shit for ME. Not for her, him, & you. What the fuck I put here is what the fuck I want to put here. What I write isn't for you to talk about. So if you ask me about anything on here, i'm not going to respond to your ass, or i'll change the subject. If I write things in anger, that may not be how i'm feeling.. it just may be what I had to write to make me feel better. That's what this blog is.. a RELEASE. So if I wanna call you a bitch, tell you your full of shit, tell you to go fuck yourself, or whatever... I can do that. Because this is my shit. Don't fucking read it if you wanna be sensitive. Period.
Why when I finally find something that I want to do, everyone has something negative to say? Everyone is always talking shit about me getting my own car, but now that I see one that I want, that I decided I was going to get, I shouldn't get it? You hate me driving your shit, but you wanna put down what I want? You are buying my shit, but you wanna tell me what to spend my money on, like the shit grows on trees? Its fucking ridiculous. It's like they put down EVERYTHING I do when I try to make my own decisions. But are always telling me to decide things on my own. How the fuck can I when you make decisions for me? Sometimes I just wanna cry. But for right now. I'm going. I'm trying to be peaceful tonight. Serene lol.
Niggas. Just ugh. Parris called me. For the first time ever. Guess what the fuck he wanted? For me to order him some fucking pizza. FUCK YOU. Waste of my time. He txted me something today that made me think though. He was like, tell me something you've wanted to tell me but never got the chance to. Lol I wanted to go off & curse his ass out and give him all kinds of fuck you's & kiss my asses. As much as I love him, and even though he is my best friend, do I need to eliminate him from my life?
Me & Charlie kind of went through something today. I know it was important because I felt the change in my heart after he read my blog. But I cant help if he makes me feel that way. He thinks what I need in my life is control & discipline, when really its just true love. It isn't really a relationship that I want from him... He isn't ready for me & i'm not ready for him. I think when Charlie realizes what it is that I have that isn't what he can get from the rest then he'll be ready & vice versa. But if we don't.. then I guess we'll never be ready. I just hope he knows that I do care, & thats whats important. I think I get so angry with him because he doesnt spend time with me. He has time to go get his dick wet & try to fuck me all the time but not enough time to just spend a little while with me. & NOT SPENDING THE NIGHT AT HIS DAMN HOUSE.
Change is so hard.
xPce