Man if it isn't one thing, it's another. I'm so SICK of this shit. Back & forth back & forth. It's like I can have a period of peace in my life. Where everything is just fine.
I took my nursing test today. Ah man when I first got there I had the most negative attitude. Like my thought was 'let me just go in here & fail this shit since its free'. Then I seen Mr.Brown. Even though he's a little weird at times, he's still a cool ass janitor. & he came & talked with me, & he prayed with & over me. And even after, my attitude was still negative, but I guess he lit a little light of hope into me. But I prayed the entire time before, after, & during the test. I got hopeful, & even had faith in myself. Even though I tell everyone that this test doesn't really mean shit to me, it did. It meant the world. I tried hard too. Nervous as I was. I studied the entire time and it all amounted to what? Nothing. There are two parts to the test. The written part & the hand-ons Clinical test. I passed the written part with flying colors. Passed every section. But it's different with the clinical test. It isn't all that hard. But we were all nervous as hell.. and we forgot the little things. I failed the second part because I forgot to use the PATIENTS right, & not MY right. I was so nervous I wasn't even thinking. I passed my three other skills. I messed up that part & failed the fourth skill. So I failed the entire second part. & in order to get my license, I have to pay like 50 dollars or somethin like that to retake the second part. It hurt so bad that I didn't pass my test. I mean like really hurt. And I doubt nobody knows how important it was to me... so nobody would understand.
And the day I fail my test, these people wanna call me about that damn car accident a year ago. I'm like my gosh not right now. I can't handle all this right now. It's too much. I don't know what to do about ANYTHING. I'm kinda lost right now. About life. Everything I wanted to do just doesnt seem so great anymore. I'm sure it'll pass, but i'm just hurting right now.
& my brother. I can't even say I feel what kind of pain he goin' through. I know he's hurtin' so bad right now. Physically & mentally. And we're wayyyy out here in bitch ass florida, so there's nothing we can do. He's in the hospital with a broken jaw & a concussion. & the people he needs can't be by his side. His mother is in the hospital battling cancer. She's had cancer for a while. She had it way back when we was livin in california. So thats what almost 4 years right there? & don't know how long she had it before then so add that time. & we want him to come down here. But how could we even fix our mouths to say he should leave his dying mother to come live down here? Man I know he wants to come. We've somewhat talked about it.. but I think he should be by his mothers side. & I know it's going to hurt but she'll be happier with at least one of her children by her side. I'm praying for you Kim! & you too Lil Torrance!
I've started the process of elimination in my life. First person to go is Parris. But I don't know how to do it. I feel like if I distance myself from him enough it'll happen on it's own. I think it's better if I take it one person at a time. I don't want to start doin' too much. I figure i'll eliminate most of the people who aren't about shit, serve no purpose in my life, and/or aren't doing shit to help me move forward. I never really did the whole friend thing anyway so losin' a few more people won't knock a dent in my heart.
Well for now I wanna steer clear of everyone .. so don't be offended if I don't answer your calls or txts. I need to get my life right & I don't have time to sit here passing time with people who aren't helping with that! Nothing personal. .. well i'll get up on outta here until later one.
xPce.