Tonight i'm having another one of my love spells. Wishing I had it. But I guess i'm somewhat happy that I don't. Still can't help but think about it though. I had a pretty good day today.. simple. No drama. Irritation from the fam, but I guess thats normal. Didn't do much. Had a meeting at work today. Lots of laughs & giggles. We had a good time.
Darrius came over last night. I was surprised he called. You remember, he was supposed to be staying away from me. I didn't want to have a repeat of last time though. So I was kinda nervous. But it ended up being like all our other Saturdays. We kicked back & watched a movie. I missed his company. Darrius is so at peace. I've never really seen him angry. He isn't controlling, rude, or obnoxious. He's a gentlemen & modest. He isn't disrespectful. He has the most gorgeous smile. He has style & he dresses his own way, which happens to be super sexy. I know that when he's going through something he likes to run. He holds his religion dearly. As strong as he is, I know he'd never put his hands on me. & he'd leave me before he cheated on me. We have a connection. But I can't determine if it's just a friendship connection, or a relationship one.
Don't get me wrong, I do love him. Shit we've known each other two years. He's a good friend. & i'm glad that he's around. He always reminds me, without saying though, that I shouldnt settle for less. With all his traits & attributes that I admire... I don't think I could name one that I don't like about him. Except maybe the fact that if we were to be upset with one another, he'd probably just walk away from me instead of talking it out with me. I do want Darrius... but I never really thought he wants me that way that I want him. So as I've been doing, i'm going to push that thought away. He's a good friend, & I guess thats all I can ask for. But just for the record. =] I want a man like him.
I still don't know what I'm going to do about this lawyer. I have a strong feeling inside of me that things aren't gonna work out the way that I want them to. It would kill me inside to call my grandparents. I don't wanna do that. I just wish I could do things for myself. It's so sad... I can't even afford one college class right now. I wanna start on time so bad. At least two classes... but.. man. I'm in such a rough position right now. Yooo.. you know.. i'm going through all this shit, & my mother can't help me... yet she can go out & buy another chihuahua? & buy my sister [who's ten] fucking contacts? She doesnt even NEED them. My brother needs HIS & she rather splurge on other shit then buy what he needs. And had the nerve to tell him get a job & pay for his own shit. He's 16.
He isn't like other 16 year old. He's just going to the ninth grade. Like wtf ... BITCH. She still hasn't told him about his real father yet. About how that MIGHT not be his real father. About how she's a whore & slept with my father & that my father might be my brother's father. Fucking tramp. I need to get away from here. She doesn't understand what she's doing to everybody. How she's gonna destroy my little brothers heart. He's going to hate her. He's already starting to. I feel it. He's angry more often. & he has no release.. even talking to me doesn't help anymore. However irritated I am with them, i'll never turn my back on them. Unless they do such to me. I love my family. But we all need help. Different kinds of help. But help. =\ Enough depressing myself for the night. Getting ready to shut this shit off & take my ass to bed; or maybe get on the telephone. Which ever comes first. Goodnight!
xPce