God always lets me be wrong about the things that I want & the ones that I love. But when I wanna be wrong, about the things going on in my life, he chooses to make them the things i'm correct about. I'm so sick & tired of this bullshit. Like I said yesterday. Everyday it's somethin' new. Like I wake up & things in my life are destined to screw up. No amount of praying or good deeds change the outcome of bad situations in my life.
So today my ma got into a car accident. I don't know who's fault it was because it was a head on head collision.. but the truck isn't drivable I guess. So that means we're down to one car because the thunderbird still hasnt been fixed yet. My mother got like two tickets because of course she doesn't have her proof of insurance & registration & all that in the car... She doesn't know if she's gonna be able to pay her mortgage next month. This is just too much. Plus MONDAY, yes.. technically TOMORROW, the money I have to pay the lawyer is due & it has to be in my account. ughh. I think i'm going to cry. Everyday.. something new
I love my girls at work. They stay keepin me laughin'. I don't even have time to dwell on anything thats goin' on at home when i'm workin with them. And although we was busy as hell & them customers was givin' me a fuckin' headache.. I still enjoyed myself. I really do wanna leave. Just let the wind blow me wherever & start brand new. Wouldn't have to worry about anyone or anything. Even when i'm tryna keep my spirits up, things just fall further downhill. Everything is supposed to be okay. Not all fucked up all the time.
I kinda wanted someone to talk to today. But as always, when it came to me needing someone to just listen, I couldn't really trust anybody to listen & not judge while I cry & all that other sensitive shit. I don't why I feel that way but, every person i've ever put my trust in has hurt me or disrespected me. So I guess my heart just won't let me put my all in somebody.
That song by Raheem Davaughn.. however you spell his name, Text Messages -- I'm feelin it. That shit is sexy. I wish my phone let me put songs for my txting, cause that sure would be it. I put it on my myspace though, so I guess thats good enough. I forgot the damn password for the playlist I have playing on here too so I cant change it up like I want to. I'll figure it out one of these days.
& as always, I have 'dude dilemmas'. Lol, guess thats what i'm callin' them now. Darrius is such a sweetheart, it isn't hard to see why we've remained close over the past two years. And I was thinkin' today. I mean we always joke around & talk about havin' a baby, & gettin' married. But like real shit, I know he's forreal about the baby, & prob bout gettin married too. I mean honestly, if me & Darrius had worked out, i'd prob. be in love with him & not Parris. One thing I can respect about Darrius is he isn't like other dudes, forreal. When you look at him, without knowing him I can already tell you your preception of him is wrong. Anyways, I dunno... I doubt we have a second chance in the future. But i'll love him as a friend always! Can't help but wonder though.
On to that 'someone else' who shall remain permanently nameless. I caught myself thinkin' about him again. At work this time while I was on my break reading a new book. If we were to have a real relationship, just as I said with Parris, we'd prob have to live together. Cause i'll be damned if my nigga runnin the streets at everybody & they mama house instead of with me! Ain't nothin' wrong with goin' to kick it with your people. Can't keep a nigga on lockdown y'know? But I love attention, & i'll be damned if i'ma be deprived of it. I'll be lonely by my damn self before i'm lonely WITH someone. I didnt have any romantic day dreams of us today... but if I do, I promise ill write it here.
Okay... last subject for the night. Parris & Kimori, the only two i've ever actually been in love with. The thing with both of them is when it was all said & done is I felt the exact same way. Not to seem conceited or anything buuuuut, like when I came to the realization that I wasn't what they wanted i'm like.. the fuck? Look at me! I'm beautiful. Sexually, neither of them have had better. I supported both of them to the upmost mentally. & I put up with their bullshit. More-so Parris then Kimori because Kimori didn't have much bullshit besides hurting my feelings.
Kimori's new bitch is a skinny girl & she damn sure doesn't look better than me. But I guess you can't help who you love. & I know Kimori doesn't know that I know he was talking to that broad when he was talking to me. But thats fine, cause thats just how dudes play. Just like how Parris was hollering at them other broads too. I knew a few of em, & they found out me & him was best friends & just started tellin me all the dirt. Not to get him into trouble, just gossipin'. He wonder how I always know where he at, or who he done talked to, or who he done hollered at. Shit I don't ask to know these things. People just feel the NEED to tell me. I don't check up on him, people just tell me....
But that's okay, cause slowly i'm puttin' my heart back together & snatchin' it from Parris. He'll regret it. Or maybe he won't. Who cares. I'm me. I'm bouncing back & i'm down now but when I'm back at the top i'mma be like FUCK YA!
My little brother wants to sleep in my room. I told him no but i'm having second thoughts. Should I go get him & tell him to come in & sleep with me?