Before we get to the main point, i'd like to announce that I can finally fucking burn CD's on my laptop!! I'm burning Shamira's CD right now. Shit i'm diggin' the mix, i'm gonna make me a copy for the car as well. Got to be Jammin' while i'm drivin' ya know? Okay.. back on the the regularly scheduled program.
Sometimes I have little daydreams, not fantasies... but daydreams. They usually aren't sexual. Mostly just sweet. Like the little ones i've been having lately. I think these daydreams are probably the reason why i'd like to explore something more with him. Because of what COULD be. And I should know from experience that that doesn't guarantee shit but problems. Nah but forreal. I remember one day telling him that if I ever had a roommate, it would have to be a dude. Not a gay dude lol, they're worse then females. When I said that, I was kinda sorta talking about him. I don't think he got that though. He doesn't see through some of the subliminal messages. I thought about us leaning back on the bed together, reading a book. It sounds so simple... but to me its romantic. Better than going out to dinner.. and I LOVE food. Just the small little details I thought of made it that much more romantic. Like him kissing my cheek while i'm leaning into him concentrating on the book. Or us laughing or talkin about somethin' going on the book. When I get my own shit, I want a balcony. I thought about being able to go out on my balcony, in a robe. Lol [I have no idea where the hell the small details come from.. a damn robe]. Not the bulky ass kind. The sexy kind. & him coming behind me. Just standing there looking at whatever & thinking.
Damn... you can tell I haven't been loved in a long time lol. I felt corny as hell typing all that shit but oh well. This is my domain & I shall type what I please with no judgement. Kiss my Ass! But yeah. I can't keep a dude. Whether it's his fault, or mine. No idea why that is. But my guess is that I ain't ready. Not for the real real thing. That takes time. I'd probably have to be in the relationship to actual get to the real real stage with whomever. I wish I knew what my future held in store for me. Then maybe going to sleep at night would be easier knowing what i'm gon wake up to.
Sometimes i'm scared to go to sleep cause I know if I fall asleep & wake up, it's gonna be another problem/obstacle I gotta face. I can't handle anymore on my plate right now. Life is proving be more difficult everyday. I know this isn't all there is to life ya feel me? Like dreading the next day everyday because of what's to come. Everyday that nears this Monday is so difficult. I can't relax because I feel it happening already. Me not having the money.. them calling me & just ugh. My mood is ruined. Charlie was kinda cheering me up. But of course his hoochies came callin & he had to go. Dont even have anything else to say.... everything else tumbled to the back of my mind with my new irritation. Goodnight.
xPce