Hey my little world! My favorite friend... my favorite listener! I've been missing my blog. I don't blog as much as I used to... but i guess thats my own fault. Anyway.. lets recap the last couple days.
WORK
WORK
WORK
WORK
WORK
WORK.
Okay.. done. lol. But nah i'm happy though. I done pulled in almost 40 hours and the week aint even over yet. I'm proud! Of myself. I don't even be that tired either. Anyways... on to today's topic. Well its kind of two-sided...one side is about my life life... and the other is about the rest of my life. I guess i'll start with the rest of my life first because the side about my love life is a little longer and more emotional.
I've been looking for alternatives instead of following my dreams and goals. Today I thought about WHY. Why deter from where I wanna be in life? Because i'm scared. I'm scared of ending up like my mom. Struggling like her. Not being able to support my family. Being stressed out and pressed for money all the time. I don't wanna be like that. I'm scared of failing. Because if I fail.. I won't know what to do. Or where to go. Or who to turn to. Who wants to support a failure? Who wants to be bothered with a failure? Its not an option for me. But I realized in running from my dreams, I will be a failure. Failed at my one shot to make something at myself. I will not run. I may not start school now because i'm not mentally or financially ready to begin.. but I promise that I will go back to school. And make my dreams come true. And if I don't make it, the worst that can happen is that I have to try again. I love myself and I want to make myself happy. My happiness will not based on what someone can do for me, but what I will do for myself. Period!
Now on the the love life. The much dreaded subject lol. At work today, Darrius was on my mind. Do we have a future? Can we make it? Can I let go of my past in order to move on to my future? I thought about love today. During my break, I laid my head down to take a little nap and just couldn't do anything but think.. and I thought about my first heartbreak. Kimori. That feeling scared me.. because I wasn't myself. I couldn't understand why my heart was hurting so bad, why the FUCK was a crying over some nigga? Love couldn't make me feel like this. I didn't know what to do, because of course i'd never been in love before. I just wanted him to love me how I loved him... to want me like I wanted him. I thought i'd done something wrong, then thought something was wrong with me... I didn't feel like a woman anymore. I knew I needed to stay away from him, but love kept pulling me closer.. I just couldn't LET him go. My heart wouldn't let go. Even when he had someone, and he loved her, I was selfish. I feel so bad. Because I disrespected HIM, HER, & most importantly MYSELF. That was marked territory and I went in it knowingly. I wanted my mark to cover hers because I felt like I loved him more. Like I could give him something she couldn't. Ugh, I can't believe I let myself stoop so low. Even when I tried to stop, its like when I get around him all common sense went out the damn window. My heart [yehh, myy vagina too lol] took over. I didn't know what to do. I needed to boost my ego, and make myself feel more like a woman. But none of them sorry and CRAZY ass negros measured up. They did make my situation worse though. But all in all I recovered myself. I didn't like the person I became. I had to realize that love doesn't conquer all. Especially when its one-sided. Because the love I have for Kimori is different than the love he has for me. And it prob. will always be like that. I guess as time goes on you learn to accept things for what they are. And people for who they are.
Anyways, the point of me sharing that with you was that i'm scared to ever feel like that again. That was my first time being in love, and if all love is like that then I don't want that shit. Another example would be Parris. But as much as i love my best friend, he's sorry as shit & isn't worth my love. He used to deserve it, but now I doubt that he gives a fuck and sooner or later neither will I. Darrius is a sweetheart, & I do love him. I mean we been good friends for going on two years [in sept.]. We dated, and when it didn't work out we started all the way from the beginning. And now two years later we're at the crossroads. He either walks down this road with me, or he will choose to walk alone. The next time I fall in love it will be different. I will never feel less than myself. And if Darrius happens to be who i'm in love with, then thats even better because he far better than all the dudes I know. I can't argue with him. Its like he has this calming effect on me. When i'm around him its like, I just relax. I just get comfortable, I don't talk as much, and I just let everything flow. Lol yehh I love his foot rubs too. He be usin my oils to massage my feet while we watch movies. I caught myself kinda thinkin about a future with him today too. He sent me a txt message today, random as hell... it said 'I'll give you anything I got.' I hope i'm not falling... not yet... i'm not ready. Goodnight.
xPce.