Well, i'm trying to do right. I make mistakes, & I backslide, but what's most important is my effort. I'm trying & I know what it is I want. The next step is just actually going through with the things I need to. Anyways, enough with the introduction.
Right now i'm on the phone with Kiary. His mother died today. She's been in the hospital with cancer for a lil while. I didn't think she would pass... maybe a break through or something & she would be okay. And then he told me it was gettin' worse. And I still didn't think she would pass... but she did. But he's handling it well. Lol I told him if he didnt cry then I would. And I did, just a little though. But he's still his normal goofy self. Still I know he's hurting.. and I can't do anything but give him my time & my love & prayer! He's been like a brother to me this past year & a half.. so I love him & i'm here!
Mothereffing boondocks is ON! BRB!
Can't turn a ho into a housewife! & thats for sure! Granddad fell in love with a stripper and that bitch is robbing him blind! Stupid slut!
Man today, Montaga let me down. When I called him last night, it was because I depended on him to be there. Which was my problem! Because i'm never supposed to depend on anybody for ANYTHING .. especially to be there when I need them. Because people will always let you down when you least expect it. Or when you need them most. It's just in their nature to do so. Your most important in their life one day, but they find something better the next day & your yesterdays news. He isn't the only one who let me down. Darrius let me down too. So did Parris. So did Kimori. They all used & abused me & left me to pick up the pieces they left behind. Yet here I am, still loving all three unconditionally. Being the friend I promised to be. Here whenever they call. Whenever something is wrong. When the next female is taking them through it, or the fam is stressing them out, or something of the sort. But I wonder, if I was to die tomorrow, how would they feel? Not just 'sad'. But their exact thoughts. What if I just woke up one morning & felt like the strings that hold me to them were cut? And I moved on with my life? I wish that could happen. Wish it would.
Wish I didn't feel bound as Kimori's friend because he was my first love, wish I didn't feel stuck to Parris because i'm inlove with him, wish I wasn't so woo'd by Darris ever-so-sweet ways. I wonder if Kimori is my first love. I don't really feel like he is.. but he's the first person who I loved. Maybe it was lust & desire. Because I feelings I have for Parris surpass any i've ever had for someone. I dont know why. Because I hate him. But you have to love someone to hate them. Sometimes I get so ANGRY, and I don't know if its towards myself for feeling that way, or Parris for making me feel that way. I wish I could get over him And move the FUCK on. And Darrius, I love Darrius. He is the sweetest person I've ever met. He's just lovable. And has the cutest smile, & if I could see myself with anyone, it would be him. But we both have outside issues to deal with before that can ever happen.
I've never had a long-time friend. Never had someone permanently in my life. Everyone i've ever met has always been temporary. And I doubt that will change anytime soon.
. Well on a more positive note. I will possibly be getting promoted to a keyholder [management] position. I couldn't share my joy with anyone, because everyone is more occupied. My mommy is happy though. I think. Aetna still sounds good though. But yeah, I hope that all goes well y'know?
I been kickin it with the twins lately. Gettin attached. I dont know if its a good thing or not yet. I got a good picture of them though. They are so adorable. ...
Number on priority right now is to stack paper and move the fuck out. No more situations like the one I had recently. I might lose my mind and kill him if I keep having to live like this. My past is trying to become my present again and its killing me slowly. I dont know how much more I can handle...Goodnight...
xPce.