Well i'd say one of my biggest problems is running FROM the problem. I sidestep the facts, run around them, jump over them, pretend not to see them and some more shit. And that does nothing but make them worse. In order for me to get better and make better decisions for myself I need to WANT to as I always say. I pull myself back and then try to put some if not all of the blame on someone else. I can't keep doing that if I expect to be a better person. I need to make a change... but I don't know how to go about making this change? It's so hard. Especially when love is involved. I'm struggling within myself and its pulling me apart. I'm running myself into the ground and I don't know how to stop running!
I put myself in these situations and then complain about how i'm gonna get out of them. And now I might be pregnant. Yes, children are a blessing. But what am I gonna do with a child? I'm not ready to have a child. I wanna be able to support my child. Be his or her provide. I don't wanna depend on anybody else for the care of my child. I pray, for the sake of my child, that I am not pregnant. I pray that for me, I am not pregnant.
Today i'm changing. Its easier said than done, but i'm ready to change, I been ready. No more excuses. No more exceptions. After i'm done typing this blog, i'm going to get my financial aid papers and finish them. Then i'm going to enter it on the computer. I hope and pray everything is paid for cause I don't know how i'm gonna make it.
[Yes I know he isn't reading this but so fucking what] If I am having your child, I hope you are the person that I think you are & you step up and take care of your responsibilities. Hard as it may be, I know I can do it on my own. And if thats the case I hope you don't expect to be some deadbeat in my childs life! When I say i'm changing, i'm changing for the better. As much as I love you, as much as I want you, as much as I want you to want me, i'm not going to wait... Its been awhile and these circles we're going in are giving me a headache. I don't wanna feel like I need you, especially since you don't know how deep my feelings for you are. My words couldn't explain it. I will never lose my cool over you or any other man, nigga, boy, etc. Lol I feel like i'm sitting here rehearsing what i'm going to say to him. I wish it were that easy...
My Kimori. Lol mannnnn. The connection we have is something I wish to have with whomever its destined that I spend my forever with. We just sit in front of my house and bullshit & talk for like hours and don't even be realizin that time be goin by so damn fast. Even though he broke my heart, I don't regret that he's my first love. Because every time i'm with him, if I let myself, I could fall in love all over again. His kisses make me melt inside. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure i'm really awake. I love you hun, and i'll always be your friend. But I gotta stop before I do fall in love all over again. I gotta put some limitations and boundaries. Of course we have to chill, but we'll just have to change the setting so I can control myself. I still cant believe your leaving in Oct. But I more than anyone understand. Our pasts are similar and I feel you 100%. Good luck, love. If anyone can make it in life, its you.
Ahh man. My check is like, gone. 132 for my phone bill. 42.38 from that 2006 doctor bill. Put away 50 for the lawyer.... gotta give Lyndon his 50. Spent 50 on my sisters birthday gift, then like another 9 on the bag and tissue and card. 20 In my mothers gas tank. Not to mention the gas i'm going to have to put in it when i'm going to work. Ahhhhh but I have to save some money for Friday because I AM going to the movies to see Madea whether or not Darrius comes with me. You know his slow but got a 150 dollar ticket for littering on his STREET. Talkin bout he aint even see em. Lol he needs to slap himself. Lol... last night he actually went with me to see my friends even though he didnt want to go at all. =] that made me happy. Even though I had to beg and then put my foot down & tell him he had no choice.
I hope something comes through with work & I get more hours. Lord knows I need them! In the meantime i'm going to be looking for something different. Tryna come up on a meaningful job is hard. But i'm trying. Well.. until next time. MUAH.
xPce