I've been neglecting you my dear blog!! I'm sorry. Its been a whole week since i've posted. Thats horrible. Lord knows I've had so much going on in my life that i've needed to share. I'm going to burst wide open sooner or later if I don't get all this stuff off my chest. Shit been kinda crazy & everything is kinda spinning out of control.
When life is going too fast for you, you can't do anything but speed the fuck up and catch up. I've never really handled stress well.. and now that I have a lot of it, it's hard finding time to deal with it all. I've been so busy taking care of every one else, I haven't been able to take care of me. I eat once a day, if I can find time, and other than i'm running around trying to please every one else. Money is tight because of all the crazy shit going on. So I guess let's just separate things so maybe i'll be able to prioritize and come about my situation a different way.
Well my mother was recently admitted and a day later released from the hospital because her surgery went wrong. She was supposed to go for a 30 minute surgery turned in a four hour surgery. Now she has a tube stuck through her bag in her kidney. And she's walking around with a bag while its draining red urine from her damn kidneys. It hurts to see her like that... thats moms you know? I don't know when she goes back.
Then work. I'm getting like SHIT hours. I have shit to pay for, that can't wait for my job to bullshit around until they can find time for me. Money makes the world go round & they tryna stop my shit from turning. Then, I didn't get hired at Citi... I wasn't too depressed. I mean.. I actually didn't give too much of a shit after 30 minutes. I know right now my schedule, with my mom, and the kids included, prob couldn't handle that.
And as much as I don't even wanna say its getting to me, it is. Parris and Darrius. They were two of the most important people in my world. I counted on them to always be in my life. Just because through everything they always were. But Parris... i'm tired of him hurting me. And with everything he said to me trying to change my mind about giving him the walking papers out of our friendship, he made it even more easy to do so. Even though he's my best friend... I was no longer his. I was just a girl he had sex with. And I had to think long and hard afterwards to not do what I always do & take him back as a friend. I had to ask myself, do I regret it? I don't. I just miss him. Our friendship was crazy, but it was ours... it was just us. But it was unhealthy. Sometimey. I don't need that. I'm becoming into my own & I need a sense of security in my life. He didn't make me feel secure. And Darrius didn't know what the fuck he wanted. Nigga you can't want me if you still got feelings for that bitch. After 2 years.. still on that ho. And tryna tell me that you don't. But I could see it all over him.
And do you know this bitch ass nigga tried to make it seem like i'm crazy or some shit?! Tried me like my feelings were wrong, miscalculated or some shit. Told me to stop txting HIM & being childish. I was never anything but polite with him. Shit fuck it! I just told him how I felt. Calmly & politely. And when he came to get his shit from my house, & to give me my stuff.... it hurt. I mean, it hurt to know that this was the last time i'd ever see my dear Darrius. But I didn't regret it. Anyways.. these niggas dont know that as quick as I can drop they ass or they can do me wrong I can pop on the scene with two niggas bigger & better. Thats just not how I do it. I love Parris & Darrius, but ain't nobody gonna make me feel like i'm below me. So they had to go. End of story. And I been stickin' by that. So i'm proud of myself.
Now I don't feel like talkin about the rest of my depressing problems.. how about some good shit. Well I might be starting college in January. I'm going to check on my financial aid Monday. So hopefully I read the website right & that the amount I seen was the amount they were giving me. I will be so happy if I start... because when I start that shows me that i'm growing up & facing my fears. I'm scared of failure. But you never know until you try, & if you fail what's the worse that can happen besides you gettin' back up & tryin again? I'm pullin myself out my depression. And i'm doing a damn good job.
Now about Black. Its been a short time, but i'm feelin' him. Damn I love his height. He 6'4"... and even though he make me feel short as shit... I love it. And he got a sexy deep voice. And I make him leave me voicemails so I can save em and listen to em later... lol. We still on the take it slow thing. He isn't perfect.. but that makes him perfect. He does all the things I like without me having to ask. And he doesn't do them because he knows I like them.. he does them because it just comes natural to him. And I ain't fallin' in love or no shit.. but I like what I know about him... and I see potential for us. We just gonna take our time. I see it like, you can't appreciate the good in your life if you ain't never had the bad.. so let's just hope he's the good that I can appreciate and the the bad I'm tired of!!!
I really wish I could go see him tonight.. but he's not home.. and I don't know where he's at. If he was home he would of called me by now... and i'm gonna go chill and watch a movie at Ryann's house. I need to get the fuck out the house. I been in this bitch for over a month. And i'm tired of these walls. I'm getting ready to go. Damn this the quickest blog I done ever typed up lol...
Charlie, even though you crazy as fuck, and won't catch me round yo crazy ass cause I fear for my safety... I love your stupid ass & your a good friend. Now you'll be a even better friend if you come up off some of da money... but I guess I can deal with you for a lil while longer lol. Stop puttin yo hands on Keta for she call da police on you!! lol. Muah!! Goodnight all.