I know its been awhile. But hell i've been busy. I actually only decided to write because Charlie's crazy ass brought it up. Yeah crazy ass Charlie is back. I thought I was done with his black ass. Rude motherfucker. I dont even wanna hear what the hell he's gonna say when he reads this. Now for the RECORD, the 6-7 months we didn't talk, I DIDNT miss him. I guess I never gave myself time enough to even think about anybody else. But now that he's back I guess I could of used a little of his wisdom in some of the decisions I made on my path to womanhood. One thing I do love is that when we're not chewing each other out or joking around, we click && our conversations go way beyond the average. I guess thats why I've been blowing up his spot the past couple days. I'ma get it together though. Every girl needs a friend right? And Lord knowssssssssssss I dont have no dern friends.
Darrius & I..... I mean its so hard to explain what we're going through. But I can say even if I wanted to I couldn't leave him. I've tried && tried and he's tried && tried, and yet we're still here. True as Charlie said, with the places i'm trying to go && the things I need to do, I shouldn't really be in a relationship... but try telling love that. Our personalities are so different. I'm high-strung and have a fierce attitude. He's calm, laid-back, and not so much nonchalant but he takes life a day at a time. We both have things we need to work on if this is going to work, and I know that. I'm trying my best because I know my heart couldn't take it if he was to actually go. I tried to leave him yesterday night, and couldn't even go to sleep. I told him to come over.... we really talked about things && now i'm left 'following his lead && trusting him'. I just don't wanna repeat of the past relationships, cause shit like that is what be gettin' niggas murdered.
School is getting so crazy. I've been getting A's & B's on almost every assignment... but i'm slacking. Right now i'm behind 3 assignments. 2 in English & 1 in Music Appreciation. I guess tomorrow after work and class there is a no bullshit night. Sometimes I just need to unwind and not worry about anything... but its like everyday there's something new. My mother has about another 1 or 2 surgeries to undergo, my grandpa is going to start radiation therapy, which is going to make him sick while its killing his cancer, hopefully its effective. And along with worrying about him I have to worry about how all of this is going to take a toll on my grandma && her heart. Because last time the stress put her in the hospital. And i'm so far away. If I had to drop everything i've worked so hard for to care for her, I would without a second thought or regret. If there is anyone I consider to be the love of my life, its my grandma. I know if nobody else will be there when I open my eyes, she will. I don't trust anyone as much as I trust her and she has earned anything she asks of me.
I'm so ready to leave and get out of this house. Its so uncomfortable staying here. After telling my mother in complete detail of the things I went through with my step-dad, and to see how she tried to justify it by SAYING, not implying or thinking, but SAYING, well I guess I can understand because he was molested as a child. WHO GIVES A FLYING MOTHERFUCK!!!!! Then that same day after I left he calls me and asks, with an attitude, what I want him to do.... roll over && die? I don't understand why I feel so sorry for them. They are dumb as fucking shit. I'll never be like my mother. No reason why she's almost 40 and not established at least enough to not have to constantly ask for money. Every time I turn around she's asking for money. I gave her money to get this damn house we're now living in, I buy her clothes because she's depressed && says she feels ugly, I put almost a hundred dollars worth of gas a WEEK into her damn truck, along with my own bills, trying to save, my own food, and hell Bae is becoming an expense too.. Wish I could write him off on my taxes. Not to mention money I've given her daily because she was dead broke.. SHE STOLE MY FUCKING CHANGE BOTTLE...TOOK OUT ALL MY SILVER CHANGE, THEN LIED AND SAID SHE DIDNT... to buy a pack of damn cigarettes. I damn sure wasn't gonna buy em because I don't support habits, like I told her... guess I paid for it anyway since she stole my change.
I need to have a beautify me day. I need to get my hair done, but me a new outfit, go to the club, and have a lil drink, and enjoy myself. I guess I can wait until April when I go on my mini vacation with Rechell && her mom. I guess i'm Rechell's 'new best friend' since her and sasha are no longer best friends. Lol we get along just because i'm cool as hell. I love her to death, but i'm not anybody's replacement buddy. Which is why i still stand by my statement that I don't have friends. But anyways... tired.....deucessss!!!!